Ok, Maybe I've Had Too Much...

Anybody who knows me knows I like coffee.

And anybody who knows me also knows I don't like those other things...whatyacall'ems...people.

So, while I'm as close to happy as I get that coffee is now available in plentiful supply, in differing qualities and a plethora of varieties, from a multitude of outlets, what I can't stand is that everyone is a fucking expert now.

I was having dinner and quietly reading the paper, in a small...I suppose it's a diner-type restaurant?...and minding my own business. I'd tuned out most of the ambient sound, not in the least because the music the place was playing was Michael Buble, but there soon came a terrible droning buzz from a nearby table that I found myself unable to ignore. More specifically, it was coming from the mouth of a fellow diner. Well, I say "diner", but I don't think he shut up the whole time I was there, so I'm not sure he actually dined on anything.

Anyway, the buzzing, if you concentrated, sounded more-or-less like words...a one-sided conversation with his tablemates about coffee.

I can't quote him directly because every time I let my focus lapse (I was trying to eat my burger and do the jumble - without a pen - at the same time) his words turned back into the sound of a hundred million flies on a pile of fresh shit. But from what I could gather, his issue was with the restaurant being in possession of a coffee maker and having the gall to claim they made coffee. "Oh, they have a coffee maker. They can make coffee. But anyone can make coffee. If you want good coffee, you have to go to a coffee shop..." Buzzzzzzzzz....

What. A. Fucking. Wanker. Seriously. Besides the fact that the relative quiet was being disrupted by his barrage of verbal camel dung, he was just being a complete tool.

Firstly, the machine in question was an espresso machine. Not a "coffee maker". As I understand it, coffee is made by God, when it grows from the ground after it's planted by Africans and South Americans and all those wonderful coffee farmers. Secondly, yes, they can - in fact - make coffee (or rather make an espresso, but you get the picture) and guess what? They do it well. It's rather good. Not the best I've had, and it could certainly have been warmer, but it was perfectly servicable, and as good as you could ask from a place that has no pretentions to being a cafe or the like. But he wouldn't know would he? Because he only drinks his coffee in coffee shops. Thirdly, not "anyone" can make coffee. Not a decent coffee, anyway, which at least these people could offer. And finally, I understand that coffee shops (and those places that I think the professional coffee critics might call cafes) make better coffee than most other places, but seriously, what do you get for spouting that opinion? Your "stating the fucking obvious" merit-badge? It's their business to make good coffee, you moron!

Rule of thumb: If you're within earshot of me, and you don't know what you're talking about - shut the hell up. And if you don't know what I look like, it might be better to assume that I might always be within earshot. Especially if you happen to be speaking of my beloved caffinated mistress. If I've had enough coffee, you might get to hear an opinion, instead of just spouting one.

Coffee is like sex. If it's hot, it's good. If it's good, it's good. And if it's not...well, at least you're getting it.